I get asked this question a lot: whether I’m reading, running, stocking sodas at work or just sitting quietly thinking to myself: The question that is, apparently, on everyone’s minds is,
“Why aren’t you smiling? Smile! You look so tired/sad/angry! You’d look so much prettier if you smiled!”
Fear not! I assure you there is a perfectly reasonable explanation behind my neutral human expression. Dear reader I have written you a list…
Photo cred Dennis Sylvester Hurd / Flickr
51 reasons I am not smiling:
1. I am not a robot.
2. You are not a robot.
3. None of us are robots, this is a pre-robotic uprising society
Viva la revolucion. Photo cred Pascal / Flickr
4. (As far as I know)
5. My dog just died
6. My dog didn’t die but he’s at home I miss him
7. The postmodern condition offends me
8. You offend me
9. Your stupid face offends me
10. Life, man
11. My smile muscles are tired from smiling
12. My brain muscles are tired from thinking
13. I grew up in a cult where smiling was forbidden and despite years of counselling still haven’t been able to break free from my sociocultural conditioning
14. I am a sociopath and feel no emotion
Is this smiling I just don’t know anymore. Photo cred Alan Levine / Flickr
15. I am a public figure and displays of emotion are beneath me
16. I am Kristin Stewart and I only do that quirky asymmetrical lip-twitch thing displays of emotion are beyond me*
17. I have passed to a state of nirvana that transcends smiling.
18. I just got my wisdom teeth taken out
19. I am concentrating on not punching your wisdom teeth out
20. It’s dark and there’s no point dear god is that an intruder wait oh no just a balloon
21. Happiness is a weak-minded ideal
Ugh am I right.
Photo cred Artem Beliaikin / Flickr
22. I am doing multivariable calculus in my head
23. She sells sea shells by the sea shore
24. Valar Morghulis
25. You have something in your teeth
26. I have something in my teeth
27. How many sea shells did she sell?
A question that haunts my waking dreams. Photo cred Bernard Spragg. NZ / Flickr
28. I am a method actor auditioning for the role of John Coffey in The Green Mile
29. Life is short and cruel
30. Fox’s Cream Biscuits weren’t on sale at Tesco
31. I am trying not to sneeze
32. My local Starbucks doesn’t do salted caramel cold foam on top of their cold brews
33. I forgot to set the dishwasher off
34. War is an inevitable feature of the human condition
35. I just watched Game of Thrones finale
36. David Bowie is dead
37. Brexit
38. My spearmint gum tastes weird with my coffee
39. A fortune teller once told me I would die smiling
40. I’m still salty about [insert major sports event]
41. Gaza may never know peace
42. Banksy is a self-obsessed consumerist nightmare child
43. I am a hangry bitch
44. I am a lizard person and my mask prevents normal facial expression
Oh hello ther. Photo cred Bernard Spragg. NZ / Flickr
45. Brandon sits on the throne
46. I have a dehydration headache
47. I mean who even was the night king though
48. I’m an empath and your existential musings are killing my vibe
49. I’m trying to pout and it isn’t working, no sexy time for you 🙁
50. It’s opposite day and I’m brimming with joy
51. I am sitting here writing this article justifying normal human facial expressions for women
Or perhaps I am not smiling, because you are asking me to smile, punk.
Stay fierce ladies. Photo cred Mathias Appel / Flickr
*JK Kristen I actually love you xo