With the relentless continuation of Brexit, the looming possibility of a Coronavirus apocalypse and the national emergency that was the closure of Durham’s beloved Jimmy’s, 2020 isn’t off to a promising start. But if you can overlook the impending war between Trump and Iran or the destruction of the Australian bush fires, and instead dedicate yourself to a list of elusive and theoretical new year’s resolutions, you can bury the mounting pile of global problems under shallow ambitions for self-improvement. From Veganuary to reducing your screen time; there’s no better way to step into the new year than with inflated and fleeting promises that permit temporary self-validation.  

After the typical Christmas over-indulgence, the only way to make your January gratifying is to trade the joyful satisfaction of mince pies and roast potatoes for overpriced maca powder and gritty chia seeds (if you’ve never had chia seeds, imagine eating the gravel out of the bottom of a fish tank). Superfoods and detoxes are entirely necessary in order to fulfil your insatiable taste for new year’s self-renovation; it’s not like your kidneys detox your body free of charge and regardless of whether you splash out on daily wheatgrass shots. Why wouldn’t you want to sacrifice the happiness induced by a Gregg’s steak beak for celery juice and sombre salads? Vegan, vegetarian, flexitarian, paleo, keto, carnivore; no matter what label you decide to put in your Instagram bio, subjecting yourself to the torturous restriction of a new diet is the first step to a supposedly happier, healthier and poorer you.  

Naturally, what follows this tormenting deprivation of diet reform, is a diluted dedication to an intense exercise program that promises you a guaranteed summer-ready body. In reality, the only guarantee of this new commitment is an agonizing hour of awkward exercises followed by a week of despising yourself as a result of failing to get past day three of the program. You hate every step on the treadmill, but this is all necessary to setting yourself up for the perfect 2020; we all know that self-deprecation and self-improvement go hand in hand.  

Now that you’ve nailed the oppressive combination of a new diet and workout regiment, you can turn your attention to bettering yourself in other ways. Dry January is a fantastic way to make your night’s out both painfully sober and vainly gratifying, as there no ego-boost like telling a blissfully drunk person that your committed to one month of alcohol-free fun. Alongside this, in order to get 2020 off to the right start, it is necessary to talk about empty resolutions that enhance your sense of superiority. Maybe you decide to embark on a spiritual reformation, telling people that you meditate every morning, or have dedicated your evenings to Ashtanga Vinyasa yoga. Or maybe you remind your friends every time they happen to be in possession of anything with packaging, that you’ve gone completely zero-waste to stop climate change from killing the polar bears.  

All in all, turning your attention to hollow new year’s resolutions is clearly the best way to kick-startyour perfect 2020. Dedicating your time to insignificant undertakings that supposedly define a new and better you, definitively is the route to happiness. Forget about the Uk’s political turmoil. Forget about focusing on just doing whatever makes you happy. Never forget Jimmy’s. Just focus on the task at hand: sacrificing your sanity for the sake of self-improvement. 

So, what’s your new year’s resolution?