Me, just getting ready to break the internet, lol

In this series of how to guides I, Kim Kardashian-West, will teach you the ways of the modern celebrity. Consider me a Yoda to your Luke Skywalker, but never forget that I will not die and you will never, ever be more famous or better than me.

STEPS 1–11: PREPARATION

1. Birth: The first of your many encounters with a vagina on the road of celebrity success.

2. Puberty: Remember if you think about growing boobs; you will grow boobs. Use your brain for what it’s for: forcing the growth of body parts.

3. Become Famous: I did this through a sex tape – fun and great exercise! Utilise social media – try snapchat and build up from there!

4. Selfies: It’s important that people know your face and not just your front bottom, so make sure there’s a variety on your feed.

5. Photoshop: Now obscure all your instagrams with photoshop so your body appears distorted and looks impossible to achieve

6. Lie: Never say you use photoshop even when the background has become warped from all the photoshop.

7. Buy some family members: Make they are uglier than you (see 8.1)

8. E!: Create a personality and develop a nasally voice ripe for television

9. Marriage: Marry anyone you know on television

10. Divorce: Divorce anyone you know on television. (Repeat as necessary)

11. Children: Have a child and give it a silly name that seems meaningful but actually proves an absence of basic education.