I am a third year. I have survived freshers’ alcoholism and carefree nature. I have survived the increasing turmoil of living out and actually being in charge of societies. I have survived my first set of exams that actually go towards my degree. I have seen the fall of not one but two Cuth’s rugby socials reported on The Tab and Palatinate, and have remember fondly when Durham was named the best university for English Literature (take that, Oxbridge.)

I am an old lady. I need my rest, I need my routine and above all,

I need my seat in the library.

You’ll have noticed that I have neatly piled up my books and pushed them slightly to the corner but not all the way to infer that only I will be sitting there so back off. And yet again, a fresher has ignored me.

Fresher has then eaten monster munch and left tiny pickled onion crisp fragments over all my things. Pickled onion, COME ON.

Your exams don’t matter – you can sparknote that. You think you can sparknote for your diss?! You are a fresher; vanish henceforth to get drunk and naked with other people. Leave the libraries to the old and decaying finalists. Also crisps are not an appropriate library food! Too noisy! Soft foods only – think purees, think soup, think houmous. THINK ABOUT IT OUTSIDE OF THE LIBRARY.

Much like Chandler and Joey, get out of my chair. Are you even old enough to know what Friends is? GET OUT OF MY CHAIR! GET OUT OF MY CHAIR! GET OUT OF MY CHAIR!