Flipside can reveal exclusively that the DSU has spent £900,000 on bunting for this year’s student officer elections. Documents that have physically leaked out of the decaying Dunelm House show that the Students’ Union have spent a further £10,000 was spent on bribing candidates to run for election.

In a recent report carried out by Flipside, 20% of the student body knew of the existence of the DSU, 12% knew of the existence of any bunting and 0.07% knew of any elections taking place. It was later confirm that this 0.07% comprised entirely of those running for elections.

Speaking directly to Flipside, DSU President, Dan Slavin reports that the bunting ‘was an attempt to create a Great British Bake Off theme to the DSU’ although anonymous commentators have referred to the attempt at kitsch decoration as ‘more like Alaska-gate than a show stopper’ with one particular student noting that ‘you can’t polish a turd’ no matter how much icing sugar you put on it’.

The university has promised investigations into the allegations of extensive bunting expenditure, and we predict with the current pace of the university, this will completed around the same time as the Bill Bryson. Which means never.