Exponential growth – it gets bigger, quicker. Throughout recorded human history there have been several phenomena indicative of exponential growth – nuclear chain reactions, bacterial reproduction, and pyramid schemes each spring to mind. Now adding itself to that attractive list seems to be Durham University, which, since it’s 1832 establishment, has been dedicated to an ongoing outward expansion.
Recently released minutes from this month’s Durham County Council meeting have revealed four new planning permission applications submitted by the University since the start of October. These developments follow the establishment of South College in 2020 and current work to relocate St Hild Bede College to Rushford Court, amid mounting concerns regarding the viability of the University’s expansion.
The first, and perhaps least invasive of the plans, is a proposal to hollow out Josephine Butler College’s iconic mound, making space for a single bedroom “bungalow”. Upon closer inspection, the interior sketches appear to resemble a liminal windowless TARDIS, even coming furnished with a sentient hoover and an unlimited toaster. Upon hearing about the proposed development, one Butler student remarked – “They’re building the Teletubbies gaff?”
Further details reveal that this new building would provide accommodation for the college’s yearly artist-in-residence – a rather fitting choice considering no one has ever actually seen the artist in the flesh.
Bafflingly, the second submitted planning application involves no actual building! The details of this proposal appear instead to take the form of a 250-tent campsite on the racecourse grounds. This plan comes in light of a recent report which found that the racecourse has been used for a total of 2 ½ cricket games in the past decade.
When discussing this particular proposal in the County Council meeting, one University spokesperson mentioned – “refurbishing the long-abandoned Durham City Baths building” – into – “a sort of soup kitchen for students, freps excluded”.
However, the planned campsite has already received strong backlash from students currently residing in Parson’s Field (a.k.a. Prison Cuth’s), one of which proudly commented – “We quite enjoy having claim to the-most-dilapidated-accommodation-in-the-city”.
Following this theme of rejuvenating soulless husks of by-gone civilisations, the third proposal is located out in Neville’s Cross. Possibly the costliest of the plans, Neville’s Column would be a 36-floor skyscraper, likely inspired by Newcastle’s own Hadrian’s Tower. The ambitious plans for Neville’s Column include an unheated rooftop pool, a “rustic” ground-floor restaurant serving exclusively Zing Kitchen leftovers, and even a dedicated penthouse suite for the Vice-Chancellor.
The final of the University’s proposals is a plan to demolish seven sections of Durham’s famed viaduct, reducing its total number of arches from 11 to 4, to clear space for Esteamed Heights – seven three-floor 27-bedroom houses, each with one shared kitchen and bathroom. If residents of Esteamed Heights wanted to exit Durham, they could find both the Durham Station and the Samaritans branch just a stone’s throw from their door.
When asked about these four new planning permission applications, Bill D. Moor, Durham University’s Campus Manager said – “Growing ever-expanding spiralling again and again spreading need more outward space always infinite extension growth dominating horizonless…”
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