“You’re completely right, this is on us.” Said the Durham Union President in a recent statement.
In a never seen before move, the Durham Union accepted full responsibility for any wrongdoings, without reservation. Their apology was followed with a clear action plan as to how the Union was going to rectify the issue.
A dumbfounded bystander remarked, “I was expecting some off-topic spiel about liberal democratic values and the virtues of debate, but was pleasantly surprised that they released a statement directly concerning the issues raised […] They didn’t even use the phrase ‘beacon of free speech’, like not even once!”
Our research indicates that this would be the first time the Union has apologised since the inauguration of the Durham Union bar, 24s. On that fateful day in November 1964, 22 Freshers were clubbed to death in an initiation ritual. 24 Freshers were chosen at random, and beaten with canes to pay homage to the building’s number. The then-Union president Count Ulrich Neville Tosslepot LIV apologised to the two surviving Freshers for their injuries after they were left unable to walk or see. To this day, wine is served in the reading room after events to symbolise the Freshers’ noble blood sacrifice (Clementine juice is also provided).
Analysts are wondering whether the current Union President will make a similar ritual after their most recent apology. Critics, however, have noted the lack of a suggestion-box in determining what this new memorialisation could be, stating, “it isn’t very democratic is it?”
Nonetheless, the statement released this Monday from the Durham Union marvelled readers after addressing each and every criticism levied against the Union, honestly and openly. The statement was also released on the Durham Union Society website, and not just Instagram.
Not all members of the Union are enamoured by the change in approach, however. In protest of recent events, Union hardliners are scheduled to hold a “Vigil for Free Speech” this coming Saturday on Palace Green, and sympathisers at University College have lowered its flags to half mast in solidarity. In relation to these protests, pro-apology critics have said “I’m not really sure I get why?”
Of course, the new change of tact was reportedly spurred on after the Durham Union President realised that no one was disputing the importance of free speech – or questioning the parliamentary debate format. A freedom of information request submitted to the Bill Bryson Library revealed that the Union President had booked out a copy of Michelle Obama’s best-selling memoir “Becoming” on the evening before the statement’s release. Speculators have said that it is possible the Union President believed they were reading a book about Heidegger before their worldview was irreparably shaken.
The Bubble Durham was able to secure the Durham Union President in an exclusive interview where they had the following to say:
“After a lot of internal searching, I realised it would be hypocritical to champion free speech, whilst refusing to acknowledge or discuss the recent allegations surrounding the Union. After all, any real free speech would have to encompass criticism of the Union itself. Until we are really able to scrutinise the very platforms through which we debate, we are not really debating anything at all…”
Of course, the Union has a long history of neglecting complaints, such as in 1973 when 2 hill college students were caned to death, in a memorial service to prior caning incidents. Count Ulrich Neville Tosslepot LV, the then-President, took the opportunity to slag off the SU President, rather than address the issues at hand. This, of course, would eventually become another honoured Union tradition.
In light of these events, it is uncertain whether the Durham Union is on the path for a new age of modernisation, honesty and openness, or whether onlookers have another 60 years of radio-silence on any real human issues within the Union.
Nonetheless, the Union has apologised, and not a single pig is flying.