Everyone knows, the way from the Billy B to the SU can be difficult, and often overcrowded. Joint Honours students often lament at having lectures in the Science Site, only to have to make the arduous trek down to Elvet Riverside. That’s why PhD Engineering Student Mrs V. Obvious, created a fascinating new invention:
~MOVING OUT OF MY WAY~
At The Bubble we were curious to see what this new technology holds in store for students, faculty members, and locals alike – here’s what the inventor had to say:
“Well, it’s very simple really. Once we figured out how legs worked, the rest all came quite naturally”, She said, “because it’s really not very difficult at all to MOVE, very possibly, OUT OF MY FUCKING WAY.”
We were told that this groundbreaking innovation comes from synergising the muscles one is already using for walking, and alongside a general social and spatial awareness. The resultant action is quite spectacular.
Of course it has its downsides, for example, stated drawbacks include: “I WILL WALK INTO YOU”, and “I’M NOT AFRAID TO DROP MY SHOULDER.”
The implications for such an invention are manyfold – such as unimpeded movement and travel from A to B. Mrs Obvious, and the rest of her doctoral research team really hope to broaden the use of this discovery – with possible expansions to the entrances of Elvet Riverside and the TLC, or that little room between the lecture theatres in the Calman Learning Centre with the tables and chairs.
“We can’t take all of the credit”, said Mr I. Rayt, data analyst for the project, “We owe a lot of the credits to the preliminary research into LOOK WHERE YOU’RE GOING, and STOP WALKING AND TEXTING, YOU IDJIT.”
Of course, not everyone is happy about this new invention, the Rugby Lads Society has issued a damning statement, claiming it “infringes upon their God-given right to walk 8 abreast”. The Conga Society, however, has stated that it will continue conducting “business as usual” due to their “innovative single-file system”.
We contacted Sloe Lee, a Bailey student who often finds themselves walking on Church Road, who said this about the matter:
“I guess I hadn’t really noticed before. It’s kind of crazy, the amount of potential in the human body for MOVING OUT OF THE WAY.”
Other students expressed marvel and wonderment at the new invention, honouring the inventor with a dedicated cross-collegial yearly ball, and a little plaque on the SU bridge that says “Mrs Obvious, inventor of ‘honk honk get out of my way’.”
“It really has a lot of capacity for subsequent research on MOVING QUICKER”, PhD advisor Mr Stö Pambling said, “and it’s overall just a massive boon to the apparently young industry of HAVING MORE THAN ONE BRAINCELL.”
Whether this catches on or not, remains to be seen. Many still say a world in which we can walk unobstructed from the Library to lectures on Elvet Riverside is a pipe dream. But some of us still dream. We dream of a world where all slow-walkers, phone screen tappers and unaware slackers will MOVE OUT OF MY WAY.