Oh, fuck off.

Being a very much unattached, miserable and cranky young man, I suppose you could say that I should rather spend my time pursuing emotionally satisfying connections with other people instead of lurking around on the internet preying on denialist, rose-tainted and overly sentimental accounts of modern relationships.

You could say that.

You could also say that a penguin’s bottom should be held squarely against the revolution of the nylon milk and you would make just about the same amount of sense.

The latest target of my vendetta against insufferably happy people who desperately want you to know how you can achieve the same level of joy and satisfaction in you life is this piece, aiming to teach affectionate girlfriends all over the world about the small things guys supposedly ‘secretly’ love that you do. Whenever I encounter these sort of articles written by self-proclaimed ‘relationship experts’ who are all up in cloud nine about the blissful state of their romantic endeavours, I cannot help but hope that they remain up there for long enough to be sucked into a passing jet engine.

But, as the saying goes, never rely on the aviation transport service industry to do a man’s job. I have therefore taken it upon me thoroughly dismantle most of this retching pile of blissful fecal matter that is the article ‘8 things Guys Secretly Love’. Two of the entries have been omitted from my critique; this is simply because there’s a limited amount of verbal bile I can discharge in one day.

When you tell him you appreciate him.

How is this something guys ‘secretely’ love?

If given the choice, all guys (self included) would never hide his appreciation if he were to be greeted with ‘Greetings, O Mighty Slayer of Dragons, Champion of the Sun, Saviour of a Thousand Puppies, Shining Beacon Hope for Mankind Whose Musk I am Unworthy To Bask In’. That much is obvious.

But, according to the author, even though we ‘should be able to read your feelings from your actions, some guys need a more direct approach. It will make him feel all warm and fuzzy inside.’

You telling me how awesome I am does not make me feel ‘warm’ and *cringe* ‘fuzzy’. It makes me feel superior to all other beings. Which in itself is superior to feeling fuzzy in every way.

Play with his hair while he is driving.

There’s two rules you have to follow if you’re to be a passenger in my car: 1) Under no circumstances is it permissible to promote or effectuate the changing of music when Queen, Van Halen or Led Zeppelin is on and 2) KEEP YOUR GODDAMN HANDS OUT OF MY GODDAMN HAIR I’M DRIVING YOU IDIOT.

Brag about him on Facebook.

‘If your guy does something nice for you, it never hurts to talk about it or snap a photo of the impromptu dinner he had arranged when you got home from work.’

Yes. Yes, it does. If I arrange a dinner for you when you get home from work it is because I wish to provide quiet moment for us to enjoy each others company, not for you to spend ten minutes choosing the right instagram filter because your happiness and the perceived quality of our relationship are both dependent on the constant affirmation of others.

Really listen.

… why else would I talk? Being listened to is the whole bloody purpose of talking.

Text him when you’re out with your friends.

The author states: ‘If you have a man who is mature enough to tell you to go have a good time, text him every now and then during the course of the night just saying hello’ (emphasis added).

If the standards for modern gentlemanship has sunk so low that managing to wish your girlfriend to have a good time whenever has the nerve to go out and enjoy social activities without you has become hallmark of maturity, then how the ruddy hell am I still single?!

Be affectionate.

… because it’s no way we’ll ever admit to actually liking being given attention, kissed and cuddled. All guys are in relationships purely for spiritual reasons, we just pretend to enjoy the physical intimacy because it’s expected of us.

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That’s enough for today, now I’m off to the park to throw rocks at old married couples. WHY SHOULD THEY BE HAPPY?!